Hopes & Fears

I'm having a pretty "off" day today and maybe it's partially my own fault it's spiralled. Anyway, it's probably quite obvious now if you've read any of my previous posts that the pre-cancer has left me feeling as if I have an awful lot of question marks hanging over me.

It's becoming more and more obvious, to me anyway, that a chance of a family of my own is slipping away. Sometimes it just feels that everyone else is allowed but for some reason, there is one rule that means I can't. It's so hard at times knowing that family members are about to have their first or second babies, teenagers - children themselves - walking round the centre with their big tummies or new babies in their prams. I read an article yesterday in one of of the Sunday supplements that talked of fertility dropping in your thirties and many women who would make great mums but would never get that chance. I know all this seems like whining, but for me, these are my feelings and they are valid and it hurts.

I worry that I'm going to grow older and be alone ( I know some people who have children grow old and for one reason or other don't have their children around them, but it's still a valid fear); I worry that I'm not going to be able to move on from this spot and I'll be stuck forever without knowing what it feels like to be a mother properly; I worry that I won't be able to find anything worthwhile to fill this awful gaping hole.

A few people (all of which have children of their own, I add) have tried to put a positive slant on things:

• you can go on expensive holidays abroad anytime you want
• you can be completely spontaneous and stay in bed all day at the weekend or jump in the car and just drive
• you can go out in the evenings without the worry or hassle of child-care

The thing is, I'm not choosing to be child-free, that's the point. At the moment I am childless and there's a big difference. Yes, I can do all of the above within reason, but would exchange all this in a heartbeat if I could, I seriously, seriously would.

My one hope is that, against all odds, I will be granted the family I've been waiting for.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" - Plato

I saw this quote today and it made me stop and think. I've been sitting here all morning, wallowing and thinking unkind thoughts regarding this evening when I shouldv'e been doing housework. I came across it quite by accident but it's made me sit up and think. I've probably brought on most of my lonliness myself. Have I really been that bitter over the last two years that I've been unconsiously pushing people away, when these are the people I should be cherishing? Am I really going to allow someone elses bitterness influence the way I lead my life? I now have to take a stand and not allow this person any more power because this is exactly it: I am allowing it.

I'm still dreading this evening a little, but I'm going to embrace it, see it as a challenge. I need to put on a dress, a pair of high heels and keep my head held high.

Well, in other news, the bunny race is now officially cancelled for the time being. I lost my job at the end of May so all security has flooded out the window. Where have the days gone where when you decided to have a family, you just did it? *sigh*. It just seems that everyone around me is doing it or just done it. I've said it before, but I never in a million years thought I would hit 30 and still be childless. Sometimes I wonder if this yearning stems back to my second baby I lost when I was 19 and five months gone. Maternal feelings kicked in but they never checked out. It's so hard sometimes and not something easily explained. I guess I'll have to keep practising patience along with everything else right now.

Bunny Race Countdown

The Bunny Race Countdown has finally started ticking! D and I had a talk last night and we've agreed that once I get the two all clears from the hospital we're going to get this show on the road.

I can't believe that in a years time, all being well, we could be starting our family - i'm so excited and just crossing everything that those two tests come back clean as a whistle and no further pre-cancer is found. The last few months may have been fraught with worry, but they've helped shape our future in a funny old way and made us both get off our bums and do something about it.

Rambling Musings of a Bank Holiday Weekend

It's bank holiday Monday, but the bin men came and woke me up this morning at an unearthly hour so no lie in again! Just back from food shopping and sat down with a cuppa before we enjoy the rest of today.

Without even planning it, this weekend has been really eventful in mostly a good way: Friday my back went again and I'm in agony hobbling around like an old woman again. I think because I've been ultra stressed over the last three months or so my lower back muscles were pulled tighter than a guitar string. After getting the good news that it looks as if everything is going to be ok pre-cancer wise, my back relaxed and back pain ensued! I think it's a small price to pay to be honest. Anyhoo, Friday evening we went out for dinner with D's parent's and brother which was really nice. We went to this wonderful Italian restaurant in town and had a great time. Saturday was heaven. I didn't get out of my PJ's once, and just curled up on the sofa with a series of a programme which I watched back to back for eight hours solid - complete bliss! Yesterday we went in to enquire about a possible holiday for my 30th and came out all booked up to Zante in Greece. Roll on September - it'll give me something to focus on and plan. Time to draw up a holiday list I think lol.

So, this turning 30 business is creeping up a bit quicker than I first thought. At least I'll be celebrating in style in the hot climes of Zante. I have picked up my driving licence paperwork but still to get a good picture taken, fill it out and return. I might need some extra encouragement to do that or else it'll sit on the side in the kitchen until Julember! Tattoo-wise, I think I've decided on stars and angels - just have to find something suitable and decide where it'll go.

I need to get in touch with the CAB. I can start divorce proceedings in June for a "quickie-divorce" but don't want my address to be known to The Psycho. According the paperwork if I don't know where The Pshyco is I'll need to write off to some place here to get a letter to confirm that I'm not already divorced and will need to submit it. The thing is, they will try and serve him with the paperwork if they can locate him. If they do he'll know where I am and that's not a pleasant thought. I don't want to know where he is and to be honest, I don't really care (sorry to sound uncaring, but I just don't). I do care though if he knows where I live as he will start up a whole load of trouble and wouldn't put it past him making a home-vist. I know I can contact the police and get him restrained if he starts, but the point is, my life has moved on and i'm happy for the first time in my life and don't have to look over my shoulder anymore. D owns the flat here and we can't easily root up and move especially now the recession has hit us. I'll need to get this point clarified before I submit anything and start this ball rolling. I rue the day I married The Psycho, but I guess hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Well, a bit of a mish-mash posting today with not a theme in sight - unless rambling is classed as a theme. I guess this is the arena for it though.

Career V Bunny Race

I felt so much better yesterday for blogging. It's been a hard few months but the one time I should have been blogging, I clammed right up. I guess sometimes that's just the way it goes.

I went back to work today after having to take time off for the treatment. Not sure if i overdid it as I needed those painkillers this afternoon and suffering for it this evening. Problem is, with the state of the country right now with this recession I'm not in a good position to take time off sick. Time of sick could very easily equal a quick route to a P45. I know, legally blah blah blah. This is the real world and it does happen.

So today, I got around to thinking about my future in general, espcially after the pre-cancer scare and my post yesterday on grabbing opportunities. I moved north four and a half years ago and gave up a good job in London with good prospects, good pay and a good bonus. Thing is, my life is now up here re: partner and home. I can't get anything anywhere near comparible to what I did previously so I've been thinking for a long while now about retraining. This is a scarey thought though as we are at the start of this recession and people are losing their jobs almost in every sector. I want to get into nursing so it's not something I can do at college in the evenings - it would be a full time course for three years. This means we lose my wage but we get a bursary for me (very little and not even enough to cover books, uniform etc let alone mortgage and bills). The thing is, because I'm fast approaching thirty I have to do it now If I'm going to do it. If was accepted this year I would be nearly 35 before I qualified which means putting family on hold that little bit longer.

This brings me on to my second dilemma: for the last few months I've seriously had my fertility threatened and if the pre-cancer comes back my treatment options would need to be reviewed and could ultimately mean a hysterectomy if it kept reoccurring. I'm also booked in to see the gynaecologiest mid May as they now think I have endometriosis on top of everything else which means pregnancy would be more difficult to achieve (I've already miscarried three times in the past so I'm already high risk anyway). I want a family, I can't see a picture of my future without one.

Career V Family: for me, I don't see how I can have both successfully. If i chose the career route, I'll be nearly 35 before I qualify and will want to work for a year or so before I take maternity leave. It could take some serious work to get pregnant and STAY pregnant (staying pregnant has always been the difficulty for me). If i had to choose it would be family, but I'm going to mad if I stay where I am just now. I'm looking for another job but the liklihood of something paying the right salary is slim.

In my heart of hearts I know my answer, truely. To wait a year whilst I gain two clear results on the pre-cancer front and then start the Bunny Race. This is what I really want, but I don't think it's what D wants just yet. He wanted to wait 3 or 4 years, but I'm not sure I can wait or want to wait. I broached hte subject earlier but didn't get much of a response and it seemd the retraining option was preferrable to him. Bit of a quandry really.

Pre-Cancer 0 - Me 1 !

I know, I've been absent now since the end of January without a word. I was actually half way through writing a blog when I got a phone call that stopped the blogging.

Let me explain: I went for a smear (pap) test at the beginning of January and is something that all of us girlies hate doing but is a neccessary evil. The nurse explained they would write to be at the beginning of February with the results as usual but would call me before that if they found anything. Now, I get this test done every three years as guidelines dictact here in the UK - previous tests were clear so didn't in a million years think anything would come back out of the ordinary. So, a Tuesday evening at the end of January, I'm sitting on my trusted laptop writing a harmless post on the state of my hands when the phone rings. The nurse confirms that the smear test is back and that abnormal cells have been found, pre-cancerous, but was NOT cancer. (Pre-cancer in this sense is the possible forerunner for cervical cancer) I heard the "C" word and immediately panicked. I was advised that as the cells were only mild form they wanted to wait six months and repeat the smear to see if they had disappeared (in 50% of all cases they tend to revert back to a clear result). So, panic averted, I called my mum, had a good cry, and then began alerting all female friends and family members to keep their smear tests updated. (You won't believe how many females don't go to their appointments - "it won't be me that gets cancer" "I'm too afraid to go" "I'm too embarressed to go" you get the picture!)

A few weeks later I started to bleed a little which was a bit out of the ordinary for me, so I called the nurse again thinking she'd tell me to stop worrying and that she'd see me for my smear in six months time. Wrong. I get the next available appointment to see my doctor who listens to my worries and then refers me straight away to the colposcopy clinic at the local hospital just to be on the safe side. I got a letter from the hospital several weeks later berating me for not turning up and taking the process seriously. I called them the following day to advise that I'd recieved their letter, however I hadn't got their first letter and had been worrying all this time as I'd been waiting for the appointment to come through. Anyway, the day of the colposcopy, went in not really knowing what to expect apart from a slight loss of dignity lol. When the doctor had a good look he confirmed there was some pre-cancer there but looked more like CIN1 but would take some biopsies whilst he was there just to be on the safe side. Good job he did as I was shortly upgraded to CIN2 and a round of treatment. I wasn't too sure to begin with what this meant but after a stressful phonecall I found out they would be doing a form of laser treatment.

So, that was me Friday just gone, feeling very nervous assuming the undignified position again. To be honest, I'd worried more about the local anaesthetic needles than I had the actual treatment, but like all of these things, I needn't have worried as I wasn't aware of anything they were doing including the needles. I just have to sit back now until October when I'm booked in for another smear and colposcopy.

Ok, that was the short version, three months of pre-cancer going's on trimmed into a few paragraphs and very clinical (by clinical I think I mean more matter-of-fact!). It's the things I haven't said that are important. There have been times that I've really needed to blog since I got the news and found I couldn't just sitting, staring at the screen, opting to call my mother or my sister and crying down the phone.

People don't realise or understand just how emotional this thing called pre-cancer is. After going through one cycle of colposcopy and treatment I could now do it again if I had to with much more confidence and wouldn't take to heart what people say. I've been told so much over the last few months "oh, i know someone who had that, and they're ok - it's a piece of cake!" "i had abmornal cells, i just needed to go for a smear six months later, you'll be fine" "I can guarentee that you'll be ok". Newsflash to all of those with information - walk in our shoes first for a while before giving your opinion so freely. In the very beginning, I had seriously got myself dead and buried and started to decide who was going to have what I was that scared and there isn't a lot of positive stuff out there (apart from Jo's Trust website which I will be eternally grateful to and their forum). My line manager hasn't been very sympathetic because she had an abnormal smear (went back after six months for a smear and all was clear) so felt I had nothing to worry about and didn't like the fact that I needed time off for hosptial appointments recently - I've had to use annual leave up instead grr! I've been so frightened that it would develop into full blown cervical cancer and all that entails (a slim chance at the time, but a chance none the same) and that my fertility would be affected. D and I have not started our family yet and I could see this possiblity falling away. I've lost sleep and I think my sanity at times over the last few months to this thing called pre-cancer. BUT, I can now breathe again. I can be normal again for a while.

I can't say pre-cancer was on my list of things to do before I turned 30. What I can say is that it has given me a new perspective on my life and other people:

• be kind to others
• don't take things for granted
• grab opportunities when they arise
• live life to the full
• fulful dreams
• do the impossible

I feel a bit as if I've been given another opportunity to get it right and I'm going to seize it with both hands and see where it takes me.

Pre-cancer - 0 Me - 1 !

The Friend Trail - Where to Start?

I met D just over a year and a half ago and they've been the happiest I've had in I don't know how long and long may it continue. We have a lovely flat (although it's a bitch to keep warm!), we have those gorgeous regular evenings in with a film snuggled up on the sofa with a glass of red wine and popcorn. We go to bed, 99.9% of the time together when D isn't working away from home. D goes out with the boys on a Saturday afternoon to watch the footie with his pals and have a few pints. I think this is fantastic. I just wish I had a few friends of my own!

To fill you in, I moved to Scotland in 2005 when I was still married. Prior to that we had lived in London for five years - I'd had a very good job in the City and had friends that I could go out with at the weekend for a drink or dancing. The Psycho is from Scotland originally and when he stated that we would be moving back I saw no reason to challenge him (stupidly!) as he was my husband. I know, this is a very old fashioned view, but you have no clue what sort of relationship I was in. I knew it would move me away from all my family, friends, a job I loved, but I felt that he was my husband and I should at least give it a go. So, we moved. My wonderful job in London translated into nothing up here as the job was so unique and the skills were not easily transferable. I ended up in a succession of dead-end admin jobs that I loathed as I could only find temporary work. I was never in one place long enough to make friends and The Psycho wanted me home pretty much straight from work. I had gone from London's lively metropolitan city, to a town in Scotland that was claustraphobic and made me feel uneasy. The Psycho had his football. I had knitting in front of a range of repeats on TV.

So, when I met Del, I didn't have girlfriends I could call up for a drink or a coffee. I had also moved town so it was in effect a clean start. I met his friends really early on and they're all wonderful - people I could spend time with although they are slightly younger than us. Turns out that even this is complicated and not as straight forward as it sounds. I was starting to think that maybe I would be welcomed into the female circle (as you would sort of expect) as they seemed nice. D's best friend is engaged to one of the girls in the group. Her best friend is D's ex. Shouldn't really have been an issue as D and his ex split six months prior to me meeting him. Ooooh, how wrong was I? A year and a half on I'm still unwelcome in the girls circle because of this fact. We don't get invited out to parties or get togethers where she is. Now, we're not talking about teenagers here, we're talking of girls of about 25-26. I could kinda see the point if I'd been involved in the intial break up, but it has nothing to do with me.

I joined the local book group at Waterstones, but this was full mainly of middle aged people or pensioners. I don't feel able to go for a drink on my own to a bar - I tried and failed. This is really frustrating. London was different as friendships seem to come about so easily. I even joined an online group of women who were looking for the same things as I was - turns out they're all middle aged as well. I'm not ready to make middle aged friends and I know how callous this sounds, but I still like to go dancing, I like to go out and get drunk occassionally, I like to be spontaneous and do childish things.

So, the big question is, how does a girl make friends in a new town? All suggestions gratefully welcomed, seriously!

A Change - Already?

I'd not been happy with my blog title since I started, but it did allow me to get my butt in gear and start the blog. After today's ranty post, I knew that I couldn't keep Drool Piggy. Drool Piggy's and Psycho's have nothing in common in my world.

So, goodbye Drool Piggy, and hello Tangent Gal - much more appropriate! Have I done the right thing??

Am I 29 going on 13??

I'ts probably not the time to be blogging right now as I'm jumping up and down and not for exercise! In fact, I've opened a packet of oreos as I'm hoping they might placate me a little.

Ok, i'm going to apologise yet again, but this is because of The Psycho... and his friend Bunny Boiler. Well, go me, another name for the lexicon *sigh*. I'm beginning to feel bad as this was supposed to be a new blog and it's just "fantastic" that my ex-husband decides to make his presence known at exactly the same time - his timing was always impeccable. It just makes it sound as if my life with D is secondary and it's far from that. In fact, D is just driving home from a job down south and should be home in about an hour and I can't wait! (I think this entry is really gonna be Tangent Gal stuf!)

So, back to the hump of the day: The Psycho via the Bunny Boiler. I've known Bunny Boiler for I'd guess two years. She is part of a community I used to be active in and has always been friends with The Psycho. After we seperated, I didn't hear from anyone in the old community until last week. I logged into MSN and there was her add request. To be honest, i didn't press accept straight away and thought about it, thinking what it could mean if I added her as I knew she still talked to The Psycho. I didn't listen to my intuition, pressed accept and we got talking. I challenged her as to why she had added me after all this time - she said she'd been through something similar divorce wise recently and thought we had that in common - that and she'd been dating The Psycho until about six months ago when he called it off, citing that I was back in his life. I need to add here, this this is NOT the case, I have been safely tucked up with D since I left leading a much happier, healthier life. So, we started talking about where the relationship failed and that I was looking for a divorce. Don't get me wrong, I want one, but it's not the end of the world if I have to wait the five years to achieve it. This evening, I decided to check out the old community, as there it was: a glaringly obvious post from The Psycho letting all and sundry know that I had been talking to Bunny Boiler (not directly, but I've not talked to anyone else!) and once again, I'M the bad guy! I don't know why i allow myself to be dragged into these childish goings on. I'm in my very late 20's, they're both in their 40's for petes sake!

Time to breathe. I need the courage to remove her from MSN and my social networking list of friends - I will not be a part of this. I will not be part of a group who will only listen to one side, who have ulterior motives, who are not real friends. Life is just too short.

I've just taken a breathe and re-read my post. I sound like a 13 year old. Someone, please slap me?

Do Men Ever Really Grow Up?

Do men ever grow out of being little boys?? This seems to have been a theme I keep crashing into over the last week. Let me explain:

I have an ex-husband, The Psycho who, although in his mid forties, is pushing this theme to it's limits. Before I carry on, I ought to confirm that I am not one of those "hurt-by-a-man-so-all-men-are-the anti-christ" type of woman. I'm currently in a very loving, caring relationship with D who happens to be of the male variety. So, The Psycho: I'm trying, desperately, to get a divorce. This really should be very simple as we have no children, no house, no financials between us and no pensions to quibble over. Where we are, either one of us can put paperwork into the local sheriff court and divorce should be granted - easy! Not if you happen to be The Psycho. Let's just say, he won't give me a divorce until something is settled that is fully his responsiblity and has no impact on divorce proceedings. Toys out of pram! He won't take my calls, he won't respond to emails and is currently sulking. Well, if he wants to behave like a child, so be it - I have decided to no longer pay him any attention as this is what he wants. I'm quite happy to sit out the five years that is required if needs be.

This theme hasn't ended though: what is it with boys and their toys??? D has an XBOX360, wii, playstation 2, game cube and has just bought a BIG tv - I haven't included sky with all the channels and the DVD player as I guess they're pretty standard these days. Ok, the tv looks great, but our old tv was still ok, still worked and wasn't in need of repair and actually isn't all that old. I was also chatting to a friend online and she mentioned that her other half was recovering from man-flu and was tucked up in front of his XBOX playing a game. In some respects, I really shouldn't moan - D is very tech savvy and when i'm on a marathon SITC run and the DVD player stops working, I just have to call out and he's there in his shining armour, ready to press a few buttons that I have trouble understanding! I also think my dad is finding his inner-little-boy - DB and hubby bought him a playstation for christmas and my mum cannot prise him of it as he's discovered car games. The funny thing is, he gets so irate at it until we gently remind him that it's "only a game"!

I suppose all men are different and are all little boys really still to some degree. I think I've learnt that sometimes it can be destructive (in the case of The Psycho) and at other times rather handy (in the case of D).

Drool Piggys Have Feelings Too - well they do when they're about to hit 30!

Well, after many years of blogging I gave it up for a year or two and have taken the brave decision to start again. I think because this is a very new and very different chapter in my life it seemed apt to start over elsewhere. Don't get me wrong, I've looked over nearly five years worth of posting and can't believe that that person was me, but there you go, it just proves that Drool Piggy's have feelings too - to me anyway!

This is a pledge to myself: to keep this blog going and to be true to myself - oh, and to protect all identities, don't want to get into hot water!

So, to begin: I'm now verging on 30 - a figure that before was just a number but is becoming more real the closer I get to the big three zero. I have decided that, for fun only, I should be brave and put a list together of all the things I'd like to do before I'm 30... not so easy when you start thinking about it! Do you keep it fun only, a little naughty, a lot naughty, achievable, not achievable?? I've been wracking my brains over this damn list for the last three months and there's now only nine left to go! So, to date, here is my list in it's boring entirety (I'm sure I'll be adding as I go along!):

1. Pull my finger out and apply for my provisional driving licence (achievable)
2. Learn to drive (achievable)
3. Pass driving test (50/50 achievable!)
4. Get my first tattoo (fun and it will freak my parents)
5. Join the gym AND stick to it (who knows if this is achievable
6. Book a fabulous holiday with D (achievable AND fun - ohhh, kill two birds with one stone!)
7. Make new friends (achievable and fun and I'm getting desperate!)
8. Play my flute again (achievable)
9. Divorce papers to be filed - this is not D who is the boyfriend, but The Psycho who is the ex-hubby (very achievable, not too sure of the outcome)
10. Celebrate the Big Three Zero with champagne, cocktails, champagne cocktails and most importantly with D

So, that's the top 10 albeit some of them very boring indeed but some are a necessity that won't get done unless I include them in a list. It will be interesting to see how many of them I manage to cross off before the egg timer comes to a stop! Oh, and if you're wondering about the a little naughty and a lot naughty entries on the list I decided to keep this one seperate and suprise D with them in due course.

I'm also a member of that other well known social networking site that everyone you meet asks if you're on and if they can be added as one of your "friends". I've added a fair few old "school friends" and even though I'm not quite 30, yesterday it made me feel very old. One old school friend, slightly younger than me has four children, which is fine, except her eldest is about to start secondary school very shortly - my tummy flipped - when did we all become old enough to have kids that age? Surely we're not long out of school ourselves? So, i've already been married, awaiting a long sought after divorce from The Psycho and now with D, but I don't have any children of my own yet. Is my biologicial clock starting to tick? Thsi is something I'm going to have to ponder on a bit longer - not sure I'm ready to face this question yet, but something I will return to no doubt in the near future.

I suppose the big question is, does hitting 30 make you old?

Just realised the time and I should be out of here! I'll ponder on the big question and come back later I think.