Hopes & Fears

I'm having a pretty "off" day today and maybe it's partially my own fault it's spiralled. Anyway, it's probably quite obvious now if you've read any of my previous posts that the pre-cancer has left me feeling as if I have an awful lot of question marks hanging over me.

It's becoming more and more obvious, to me anyway, that a chance of a family of my own is slipping away. Sometimes it just feels that everyone else is allowed but for some reason, there is one rule that means I can't. It's so hard at times knowing that family members are about to have their first or second babies, teenagers - children themselves - walking round the centre with their big tummies or new babies in their prams. I read an article yesterday in one of of the Sunday supplements that talked of fertility dropping in your thirties and many women who would make great mums but would never get that chance. I know all this seems like whining, but for me, these are my feelings and they are valid and it hurts.

I worry that I'm going to grow older and be alone ( I know some people who have children grow old and for one reason or other don't have their children around them, but it's still a valid fear); I worry that I'm not going to be able to move on from this spot and I'll be stuck forever without knowing what it feels like to be a mother properly; I worry that I won't be able to find anything worthwhile to fill this awful gaping hole.

A few people (all of which have children of their own, I add) have tried to put a positive slant on things:

• you can go on expensive holidays abroad anytime you want
• you can be completely spontaneous and stay in bed all day at the weekend or jump in the car and just drive
• you can go out in the evenings without the worry or hassle of child-care

The thing is, I'm not choosing to be child-free, that's the point. At the moment I am childless and there's a big difference. Yes, I can do all of the above within reason, but would exchange all this in a heartbeat if I could, I seriously, seriously would.

My one hope is that, against all odds, I will be granted the family I've been waiting for.