Time for a round up!

After checking out of here for a long while I decided it was time to head back for a quick catch up.

The pre-cancerous cells were finally zapped clear away and to date have decided to stay away which I'm ecstatic about. All being well it should stay like that.

D and I are now firmly planted on the Bunny Trail but instead of racing forward we seem to be peddling backwards with a few gains every now and then. After the pre-cancer, we had several referrals that led us to the infertility clinic, a raft of tests and finally, a diognosis: D has since had an operation for a varicocele so we now at least have a very slim chance of concieving naturally. In the meantime, we're on the waiting list for IVF with ICSI. Wait times are currently a year for us which thankfully means by the end of November we should come to the top of the list. In reality we'll probably start treatment in the new year, but if this year is anything to go by, the time will just fly.

We do, however, have one major addition to our household. Calvin. He's out beautiful Cavalier |King Charles Spaniel, a blenheim and just over a year old now. He's settling in just fine, although morning routines are still being worked on - 4am walks are not really working out! :) He really has brought much love and focus into both our lives and we both don't know how we managed without him and his funny antics!

So, a year and a half in a few easy paragraphs ...

Treading Water

It's been a while since my last post. I don't feel as if anything has happened of note to write about. Like the title suggests, I'm just treading water - I have no job, and there are few prospects out there at the moment due to the recession. I have no interests that I'm following through on as everything seems to cost money and to be honest, those that don't I don't feel as if I have the energy for. I just don't want to do anything and feel tired at the end of the day from doing nothing. I do the bare essentials at home now and even that is becoming somewhat of an effort. I have Del and I love him, dearly. I just don't know where my get up and go, my drive, went.

I guess being so far away from family and friends is now severely beginning to impact on my life. They're like the air that I breathe and I feel as if I'm slowly being suffocated with their distance. I don't want to feel or act like this but it's almost as if it's out of my hands and I have no control over it. The only control I have is over food which is slowly becoming an issue again.

Back to treading water.

Hopes & Fears

I'm having a pretty "off" day today and maybe it's partially my own fault it's spiralled. Anyway, it's probably quite obvious now if you've read any of my previous posts that the pre-cancer has left me feeling as if I have an awful lot of question marks hanging over me.

It's becoming more and more obvious, to me anyway, that a chance of a family of my own is slipping away. Sometimes it just feels that everyone else is allowed but for some reason, there is one rule that means I can't. It's so hard at times knowing that family members are about to have their first or second babies, teenagers - children themselves - walking round the centre with their big tummies or new babies in their prams. I read an article yesterday in one of of the Sunday supplements that talked of fertility dropping in your thirties and many women who would make great mums but would never get that chance. I know all this seems like whining, but for me, these are my feelings and they are valid and it hurts.

I worry that I'm going to grow older and be alone ( I know some people who have children grow old and for one reason or other don't have their children around them, but it's still a valid fear); I worry that I'm not going to be able to move on from this spot and I'll be stuck forever without knowing what it feels like to be a mother properly; I worry that I won't be able to find anything worthwhile to fill this awful gaping hole.

A few people (all of which have children of their own, I add) have tried to put a positive slant on things:

• you can go on expensive holidays abroad anytime you want
• you can be completely spontaneous and stay in bed all day at the weekend or jump in the car and just drive
• you can go out in the evenings without the worry or hassle of child-care

The thing is, I'm not choosing to be child-free, that's the point. At the moment I am childless and there's a big difference. Yes, I can do all of the above within reason, but would exchange all this in a heartbeat if I could, I seriously, seriously would.

My one hope is that, against all odds, I will be granted the family I've been waiting for.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" - Plato

I saw this quote today and it made me stop and think. I've been sitting here all morning, wallowing and thinking unkind thoughts regarding this evening when I shouldv'e been doing housework. I came across it quite by accident but it's made me sit up and think. I've probably brought on most of my lonliness myself. Have I really been that bitter over the last two years that I've been unconsiously pushing people away, when these are the people I should be cherishing? Am I really going to allow someone elses bitterness influence the way I lead my life? I now have to take a stand and not allow this person any more power because this is exactly it: I am allowing it.

I'm still dreading this evening a little, but I'm going to embrace it, see it as a challenge. I need to put on a dress, a pair of high heels and keep my head held high.

Well, in other news, the bunny race is now officially cancelled for the time being. I lost my job at the end of May so all security has flooded out the window. Where have the days gone where when you decided to have a family, you just did it? *sigh*. It just seems that everyone around me is doing it or just done it. I've said it before, but I never in a million years thought I would hit 30 and still be childless. Sometimes I wonder if this yearning stems back to my second baby I lost when I was 19 and five months gone. Maternal feelings kicked in but they never checked out. It's so hard sometimes and not something easily explained. I guess I'll have to keep practising patience along with everything else right now.

Bunny Race Countdown

The Bunny Race Countdown has finally started ticking! D and I had a talk last night and we've agreed that once I get the two all clears from the hospital we're going to get this show on the road.

I can't believe that in a years time, all being well, we could be starting our family - i'm so excited and just crossing everything that those two tests come back clean as a whistle and no further pre-cancer is found. The last few months may have been fraught with worry, but they've helped shape our future in a funny old way and made us both get off our bums and do something about it.

Rambling Musings of a Bank Holiday Weekend

It's bank holiday Monday, but the bin men came and woke me up this morning at an unearthly hour so no lie in again! Just back from food shopping and sat down with a cuppa before we enjoy the rest of today.

Without even planning it, this weekend has been really eventful in mostly a good way: Friday my back went again and I'm in agony hobbling around like an old woman again. I think because I've been ultra stressed over the last three months or so my lower back muscles were pulled tighter than a guitar string. After getting the good news that it looks as if everything is going to be ok pre-cancer wise, my back relaxed and back pain ensued! I think it's a small price to pay to be honest. Anyhoo, Friday evening we went out for dinner with D's parent's and brother which was really nice. We went to this wonderful Italian restaurant in town and had a great time. Saturday was heaven. I didn't get out of my PJ's once, and just curled up on the sofa with a series of a programme which I watched back to back for eight hours solid - complete bliss! Yesterday we went in to enquire about a possible holiday for my 30th and came out all booked up to Zante in Greece. Roll on September - it'll give me something to focus on and plan. Time to draw up a holiday list I think lol.

So, this turning 30 business is creeping up a bit quicker than I first thought. At least I'll be celebrating in style in the hot climes of Zante. I have picked up my driving licence paperwork but still to get a good picture taken, fill it out and return. I might need some extra encouragement to do that or else it'll sit on the side in the kitchen until Julember! Tattoo-wise, I think I've decided on stars and angels - just have to find something suitable and decide where it'll go.

I need to get in touch with the CAB. I can start divorce proceedings in June for a "quickie-divorce" but don't want my address to be known to The Psycho. According the paperwork if I don't know where The Pshyco is I'll need to write off to some place here to get a letter to confirm that I'm not already divorced and will need to submit it. The thing is, they will try and serve him with the paperwork if they can locate him. If they do he'll know where I am and that's not a pleasant thought. I don't want to know where he is and to be honest, I don't really care (sorry to sound uncaring, but I just don't). I do care though if he knows where I live as he will start up a whole load of trouble and wouldn't put it past him making a home-vist. I know I can contact the police and get him restrained if he starts, but the point is, my life has moved on and i'm happy for the first time in my life and don't have to look over my shoulder anymore. D owns the flat here and we can't easily root up and move especially now the recession has hit us. I'll need to get this point clarified before I submit anything and start this ball rolling. I rue the day I married The Psycho, but I guess hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Well, a bit of a mish-mash posting today with not a theme in sight - unless rambling is classed as a theme. I guess this is the arena for it though.

Career V Bunny Race

I felt so much better yesterday for blogging. It's been a hard few months but the one time I should have been blogging, I clammed right up. I guess sometimes that's just the way it goes.

I went back to work today after having to take time off for the treatment. Not sure if i overdid it as I needed those painkillers this afternoon and suffering for it this evening. Problem is, with the state of the country right now with this recession I'm not in a good position to take time off sick. Time of sick could very easily equal a quick route to a P45. I know, legally blah blah blah. This is the real world and it does happen.

So today, I got around to thinking about my future in general, espcially after the pre-cancer scare and my post yesterday on grabbing opportunities. I moved north four and a half years ago and gave up a good job in London with good prospects, good pay and a good bonus. Thing is, my life is now up here re: partner and home. I can't get anything anywhere near comparible to what I did previously so I've been thinking for a long while now about retraining. This is a scarey thought though as we are at the start of this recession and people are losing their jobs almost in every sector. I want to get into nursing so it's not something I can do at college in the evenings - it would be a full time course for three years. This means we lose my wage but we get a bursary for me (very little and not even enough to cover books, uniform etc let alone mortgage and bills). The thing is, because I'm fast approaching thirty I have to do it now If I'm going to do it. If was accepted this year I would be nearly 35 before I qualified which means putting family on hold that little bit longer.

This brings me on to my second dilemma: for the last few months I've seriously had my fertility threatened and if the pre-cancer comes back my treatment options would need to be reviewed and could ultimately mean a hysterectomy if it kept reoccurring. I'm also booked in to see the gynaecologiest mid May as they now think I have endometriosis on top of everything else which means pregnancy would be more difficult to achieve (I've already miscarried three times in the past so I'm already high risk anyway). I want a family, I can't see a picture of my future without one.

Career V Family: for me, I don't see how I can have both successfully. If i chose the career route, I'll be nearly 35 before I qualify and will want to work for a year or so before I take maternity leave. It could take some serious work to get pregnant and STAY pregnant (staying pregnant has always been the difficulty for me). If i had to choose it would be family, but I'm going to mad if I stay where I am just now. I'm looking for another job but the liklihood of something paying the right salary is slim.

In my heart of hearts I know my answer, truely. To wait a year whilst I gain two clear results on the pre-cancer front and then start the Bunny Race. This is what I really want, but I don't think it's what D wants just yet. He wanted to wait 3 or 4 years, but I'm not sure I can wait or want to wait. I broached hte subject earlier but didn't get much of a response and it seemd the retraining option was preferrable to him. Bit of a quandry really.