Career V Bunny Race

I felt so much better yesterday for blogging. It's been a hard few months but the one time I should have been blogging, I clammed right up. I guess sometimes that's just the way it goes.

I went back to work today after having to take time off for the treatment. Not sure if i overdid it as I needed those painkillers this afternoon and suffering for it this evening. Problem is, with the state of the country right now with this recession I'm not in a good position to take time off sick. Time of sick could very easily equal a quick route to a P45. I know, legally blah blah blah. This is the real world and it does happen.

So today, I got around to thinking about my future in general, espcially after the pre-cancer scare and my post yesterday on grabbing opportunities. I moved north four and a half years ago and gave up a good job in London with good prospects, good pay and a good bonus. Thing is, my life is now up here re: partner and home. I can't get anything anywhere near comparible to what I did previously so I've been thinking for a long while now about retraining. This is a scarey thought though as we are at the start of this recession and people are losing their jobs almost in every sector. I want to get into nursing so it's not something I can do at college in the evenings - it would be a full time course for three years. This means we lose my wage but we get a bursary for me (very little and not even enough to cover books, uniform etc let alone mortgage and bills). The thing is, because I'm fast approaching thirty I have to do it now If I'm going to do it. If was accepted this year I would be nearly 35 before I qualified which means putting family on hold that little bit longer.

This brings me on to my second dilemma: for the last few months I've seriously had my fertility threatened and if the pre-cancer comes back my treatment options would need to be reviewed and could ultimately mean a hysterectomy if it kept reoccurring. I'm also booked in to see the gynaecologiest mid May as they now think I have endometriosis on top of everything else which means pregnancy would be more difficult to achieve (I've already miscarried three times in the past so I'm already high risk anyway). I want a family, I can't see a picture of my future without one.

Career V Family: for me, I don't see how I can have both successfully. If i chose the career route, I'll be nearly 35 before I qualify and will want to work for a year or so before I take maternity leave. It could take some serious work to get pregnant and STAY pregnant (staying pregnant has always been the difficulty for me). If i had to choose it would be family, but I'm going to mad if I stay where I am just now. I'm looking for another job but the liklihood of something paying the right salary is slim.

In my heart of hearts I know my answer, truely. To wait a year whilst I gain two clear results on the pre-cancer front and then start the Bunny Race. This is what I really want, but I don't think it's what D wants just yet. He wanted to wait 3 or 4 years, but I'm not sure I can wait or want to wait. I broached hte subject earlier but didn't get much of a response and it seemd the retraining option was preferrable to him. Bit of a quandry really.