Career V Bunny Race

I felt so much better yesterday for blogging. It's been a hard few months but the one time I should have been blogging, I clammed right up. I guess sometimes that's just the way it goes.

I went back to work today after having to take time off for the treatment. Not sure if i overdid it as I needed those painkillers this afternoon and suffering for it this evening. Problem is, with the state of the country right now with this recession I'm not in a good position to take time off sick. Time of sick could very easily equal a quick route to a P45. I know, legally blah blah blah. This is the real world and it does happen.

So today, I got around to thinking about my future in general, espcially after the pre-cancer scare and my post yesterday on grabbing opportunities. I moved north four and a half years ago and gave up a good job in London with good prospects, good pay and a good bonus. Thing is, my life is now up here re: partner and home. I can't get anything anywhere near comparible to what I did previously so I've been thinking for a long while now about retraining. This is a scarey thought though as we are at the start of this recession and people are losing their jobs almost in every sector. I want to get into nursing so it's not something I can do at college in the evenings - it would be a full time course for three years. This means we lose my wage but we get a bursary for me (very little and not even enough to cover books, uniform etc let alone mortgage and bills). The thing is, because I'm fast approaching thirty I have to do it now If I'm going to do it. If was accepted this year I would be nearly 35 before I qualified which means putting family on hold that little bit longer.

This brings me on to my second dilemma: for the last few months I've seriously had my fertility threatened and if the pre-cancer comes back my treatment options would need to be reviewed and could ultimately mean a hysterectomy if it kept reoccurring. I'm also booked in to see the gynaecologiest mid May as they now think I have endometriosis on top of everything else which means pregnancy would be more difficult to achieve (I've already miscarried three times in the past so I'm already high risk anyway). I want a family, I can't see a picture of my future without one.

Career V Family: for me, I don't see how I can have both successfully. If i chose the career route, I'll be nearly 35 before I qualify and will want to work for a year or so before I take maternity leave. It could take some serious work to get pregnant and STAY pregnant (staying pregnant has always been the difficulty for me). If i had to choose it would be family, but I'm going to mad if I stay where I am just now. I'm looking for another job but the liklihood of something paying the right salary is slim.

In my heart of hearts I know my answer, truely. To wait a year whilst I gain two clear results on the pre-cancer front and then start the Bunny Race. This is what I really want, but I don't think it's what D wants just yet. He wanted to wait 3 or 4 years, but I'm not sure I can wait or want to wait. I broached hte subject earlier but didn't get much of a response and it seemd the retraining option was preferrable to him. Bit of a quandry really.

Pre-Cancer 0 - Me 1 !

I know, I've been absent now since the end of January without a word. I was actually half way through writing a blog when I got a phone call that stopped the blogging.

Let me explain: I went for a smear (pap) test at the beginning of January and is something that all of us girlies hate doing but is a neccessary evil. The nurse explained they would write to be at the beginning of February with the results as usual but would call me before that if they found anything. Now, I get this test done every three years as guidelines dictact here in the UK - previous tests were clear so didn't in a million years think anything would come back out of the ordinary. So, a Tuesday evening at the end of January, I'm sitting on my trusted laptop writing a harmless post on the state of my hands when the phone rings. The nurse confirms that the smear test is back and that abnormal cells have been found, pre-cancerous, but was NOT cancer. (Pre-cancer in this sense is the possible forerunner for cervical cancer) I heard the "C" word and immediately panicked. I was advised that as the cells were only mild form they wanted to wait six months and repeat the smear to see if they had disappeared (in 50% of all cases they tend to revert back to a clear result). So, panic averted, I called my mum, had a good cry, and then began alerting all female friends and family members to keep their smear tests updated. (You won't believe how many females don't go to their appointments - "it won't be me that gets cancer" "I'm too afraid to go" "I'm too embarressed to go" you get the picture!)

A few weeks later I started to bleed a little which was a bit out of the ordinary for me, so I called the nurse again thinking she'd tell me to stop worrying and that she'd see me for my smear in six months time. Wrong. I get the next available appointment to see my doctor who listens to my worries and then refers me straight away to the colposcopy clinic at the local hospital just to be on the safe side. I got a letter from the hospital several weeks later berating me for not turning up and taking the process seriously. I called them the following day to advise that I'd recieved their letter, however I hadn't got their first letter and had been worrying all this time as I'd been waiting for the appointment to come through. Anyway, the day of the colposcopy, went in not really knowing what to expect apart from a slight loss of dignity lol. When the doctor had a good look he confirmed there was some pre-cancer there but looked more like CIN1 but would take some biopsies whilst he was there just to be on the safe side. Good job he did as I was shortly upgraded to CIN2 and a round of treatment. I wasn't too sure to begin with what this meant but after a stressful phonecall I found out they would be doing a form of laser treatment.

So, that was me Friday just gone, feeling very nervous assuming the undignified position again. To be honest, I'd worried more about the local anaesthetic needles than I had the actual treatment, but like all of these things, I needn't have worried as I wasn't aware of anything they were doing including the needles. I just have to sit back now until October when I'm booked in for another smear and colposcopy.

Ok, that was the short version, three months of pre-cancer going's on trimmed into a few paragraphs and very clinical (by clinical I think I mean more matter-of-fact!). It's the things I haven't said that are important. There have been times that I've really needed to blog since I got the news and found I couldn't just sitting, staring at the screen, opting to call my mother or my sister and crying down the phone.

People don't realise or understand just how emotional this thing called pre-cancer is. After going through one cycle of colposcopy and treatment I could now do it again if I had to with much more confidence and wouldn't take to heart what people say. I've been told so much over the last few months "oh, i know someone who had that, and they're ok - it's a piece of cake!" "i had abmornal cells, i just needed to go for a smear six months later, you'll be fine" "I can guarentee that you'll be ok". Newsflash to all of those with information - walk in our shoes first for a while before giving your opinion so freely. In the very beginning, I had seriously got myself dead and buried and started to decide who was going to have what I was that scared and there isn't a lot of positive stuff out there (apart from Jo's Trust website which I will be eternally grateful to and their forum). My line manager hasn't been very sympathetic because she had an abnormal smear (went back after six months for a smear and all was clear) so felt I had nothing to worry about and didn't like the fact that I needed time off for hosptial appointments recently - I've had to use annual leave up instead grr! I've been so frightened that it would develop into full blown cervical cancer and all that entails (a slim chance at the time, but a chance none the same) and that my fertility would be affected. D and I have not started our family yet and I could see this possiblity falling away. I've lost sleep and I think my sanity at times over the last few months to this thing called pre-cancer. BUT, I can now breathe again. I can be normal again for a while.

I can't say pre-cancer was on my list of things to do before I turned 30. What I can say is that it has given me a new perspective on my life and other people:

• be kind to others
• don't take things for granted
• grab opportunities when they arise
• live life to the full
• fulful dreams
• do the impossible

I feel a bit as if I've been given another opportunity to get it right and I'm going to seize it with both hands and see where it takes me.

Pre-cancer - 0 Me - 1 !